Interdimensional Experimentation and Toast
by Haurvatat
Summary: An Artemis Fowl and Loveless crossover  RitsukaXSoubi  Artemis experimemts with other dimensions, accidentally pulling Ritsuka and Soubi into the real world. Critical, indepth reviews please.
1. Sparkless

Hello everyone! I tried doing something a little out of my way for once. I really have enjoyed writing this one. The chapters are going to be a lot shorter than the ones for the Voyage of the Basset crossover, so they're going to come out more often. This thing is mainly fluff (I think;) but if you're looking for plotline, there might be a little of that too.

DISCLAIMER: Heheheeheheheeeeee! You people really believe I own Artemis Fowl OR Loveless?! cracks up in a corner Well, I don't. If I did, tho'... I'll let your dirty little imaginations run wild there.

Celestine: Even though your thoughts are actually much worse than anything THESE sheltered children could think of.

Nade: I thought you were asleep!

Cel: I woke up, dobe. Ooooooh, smut.

Nade: It's NOT SMUT! It's fluff.

Cel: Same thing. Starts picking up random objects and putting them where they don't belong just to mess with people

Nade: Just let the people read.

Cel: They better review. Otherwise you and I will have to crack open their skulls. hefts the axe/spear she found in the living room with a maniacal grin

Everyone: o.0 twitch

Artemis Fowl Loveless crossover

**Interdimensional Experimentation and Toast**

**Chapter 1: Sparkless**

A pale, dark-haired boy sat alone in a vast, unused study. No lights were on for fear that someone would unwittingly discover what he was doing. And that would be very bad. That was because he didn't want his new younger siblings and least of all, his parents walking in. They wouldn't really understand what he was doing, anyway. He was practising his magic, as he always did right around this time of day. Artemis twitched a finger on his left hand and sure enough, there were the little blue lights that he had become so well acquainted with. Now to control them better. Without actually creating a new spark or moving, Artemis pulled it from his pointer finger to his middle finger. It was harder than it sounded, because magic was a force of the mind, not something that could manually be moved. It took a lot of concentration to keep it the same size, move it, and not release even the slightest more amount than necessary. But Artemis was a Fowl, so that didn't really matter to him. If only the twins could've seen what their strange older brother could do. His parents, though, would probably dismiss it as seeing things. They were too old to believe in magic.

"I wonder… is it possible…" Artemis muttered to himself. "After all, if time travel is possible, that theoretically means that particular times exist out of the time stream in a separate entity altogether and are thus accessible from the future, which exists as a singular entity…" He fiddled with the spark, making it skip over his ring finger to the pinky, then over to his right hand. "And if something can exist in that state, then thousands of outcomes are possible. If time travel was possible, then someone, anyone at all, could've returned to the past and fiddled with whatever happened then, thus completely changing the future, but because it exists as a separate entity, simply another future branched off from that event, resulting in a world developed in a completely different fashion from our own. Thus, other worlds. It's completely plausible. After all, if magic exists, as it always must've, this is completely possible. The only question left is, is it possible to travel between these worlds…" Artemis pondered this for a few minutes before the small communicator that he had taken to carrying around in his pocket went off.

"Fowl speaking."

"Artemis?" It was Holly. After all, only Holly had that sisterly tone with him.

"What do you want?"

"Jeez, who spit in your bean curd? Listen-"

"Bean Curd?" Artemis raised an eyebrow, even if Holly couldn't see it.

"Sorry. Been watching Disney's Mulan. Stupidest thing I ever watched aside from those Barbie Fairy Princess movies. Still love it, though."

"You watch _Barbie Fairy Princess Movies?_" Artemis didn't have many times in his life when he wanted to burst out laughing, but now was one of them.

"N- nooo, I just- erm, uh, WILL YOU STOP GETTING ME OFF TOPIC?!"

"Pardon my rudeness. What was it you needed?"

"Just wanna know what you're plotting."

"To send you bean curd and a tutu."

"Shut up. You're always plotting, so what is it this time? And Foaly has almost run out of ideas for inventions. He was so excited to have his precious bottomless funding that he hasn't a clue what to do next."

"Really now?" That surprised him. Foaly definitely was the type to waste all of his ideas in one swell foop, but he usually always just came up with another one. Perhaps the strain was finally showing with their centaur friend after he had been flat-out rejected by his jogging partner.

"For real and for true." He could hear her uniform rustling in two different areas, so he assumed that she was putting her hand over her heart. He was right, even if he didn't know it. " And…."

"And?" prompted Artemis.

"Never mind. It wasn't important. But you still have said nothing useful since I called you."

"I do seem to have a talent for weaseling out of things I don't want to be in, don't I?"

"You absolutely do- hey, HEY! You did it again, you frickin' weasel!"

"Not my fault. You're A.D.D.. But if you truly must know, I'm just practicing magic where no one will walk in on me. I can see why you love it so much."

"Oh, yeah…. That reminds me, how DID things go with your folks when you got home? What happened?"

"Nothing much. Crying, hugging, I have twin younger siblings, many, MANY psychiatry visits…"

"Wait-wha- YOU HAVE TWIN YOUNGER SIBLINGS?"

"Oh, yes. Did I fail to mention them? Clio and Persephone. I just call Persephone Kore, though."

" …Dear God, there are two more Fowls in the world. And they're both girls?"

"Well, it would be pretty embarrassing if a boy had a name like Kore, wouldn't it?"

"True…" Holly sang. "But then, wouldn't it be pretty embarrassing if a boy had a name like Artemis?"

"I'll hang up."

"EEEP! Don't do that!"

"If you have nothing further to say, I see no reason to continue."

"… That was harsh. I thought we cured you of that."

"Well…"

"Well?" prompted Holly.

"Never mind. It wasn't important." Artemis looked downward at the inside of his left wrist. His magical spark had vanished long ago, but there was something new there as well. He pulled down the sleeve with a pinky finger and stared at the mark. In ridiculously complex lettering, there was a single word.

"_Sparkless_." Artemis read. What did it mean, to be Sparkless? He created a small spark from his finger. The whole thing seemed contradictory. Why had this mark suddenly appeared? How? Nothing really made much sense anymore. He pulled the sleeve back over the mark and tried to immerse himself in his books. There were a few books he had borrowed permanently without permission from Foaly's workshops on magic. He had hidden them here for his personal use.

The most interesting book so far had to be the immensely thick tome on the theory of dimension travel. It supplied ridiculously complex ideas that supported not only the possible existence of other worlds, but also the possibility of traveling between them with limited powers and resources. It required a strong mind to understand the theories presented, but once again, Artemis had these in excess. It was perfect for him, and the experimental period was coming up soon. Very soon. And, while good for Artemis, would very bad for just about everyone else. As usual.

"Pardon, but did you just say '_Sparkless'?_" Artemis almost jumped (or he would've if he'd been any less dignified than usual) at the sound. He had completely forgotten about Holly.

"No!"

"Uhh… right. Thought not. I must need to clean out my ears or something…" Holly trailed off, sounding a little bit more depressed than she had at first. Artemis didn't know what to make of women, but he knew what he had to do as a friend.

Artemis sighed. " What happened?"

"You-you're recognizing that I have problems… and care enough to address them?" Holly sounded a little tearful. Artemis thought he could feel her glomping him in happiness. "I knew you cared!!!!"

"You're just making fun of me now."

"A little. I was feeling a little under the weather before, but talking to you actually helped. Somethin' new every day. Thanks… Arty."

Artemis smiled a little, even though he knew she was still trying to annoy him some. No one had told him things like that very often, so each time was special. He was horrible when it came to accepting these times, though. "Erm… I think I hear Mother down the hall. I'm going to have to leave you here. My apologies. Send Foaly my condolences with his rejection."

"Ah, well. Duty calls. See ya round Arty."

Holly hung up, but Artemis still had his communicator in the on position for a while. He just sat there, wishing he had managed to say something cooler than faking his Mother's discovery of them. _Well, _he thought sardonically, _in some other dimension I said something really cool and a better future opened up. I just wish that that could've been THIS one. _

………………………………………………………………………………

Artemis had everything in place. This was going to be a very preliminary test of the early stages of his experimentation with other worlds. He expected it to turn out like he had planned, but knew his own karma too well to assume such things, so he had Butler and Juliet stationed right by the door in case of any worst-case scenario. The only thing he would be attempting to do would be calling up something from another world, preferably something harmless and recognizable, like toast. Or a dryer sheet. Toast was the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario was probably so bad that there was no way to predict that it would be the worst of them all. Thus, the attentive Butlers.

"Alright. Everything is in place Butler, Juliet. Stand by." Artemis called a little. It was a big room.

Artemis closed his eyes and summoned a spark, just a spark, of magic from within him. It came surprisingly easy today, and Artemis had to modify the massive rope of it that came to his gentle call. He manipulated it like the book instructed him to, slowly building up the form it was supposed to take by supplying a constant stream of power all the while controlling what had already left his body. It was very hard, but Artemis was doing it. Juliet stood mesmerized by the blue sparks swirling before her eyes. Butler was only a little less shocked by seeing Artemis work something like this. Holly's magic was practical and somewhat of a one-way street. This was incredible.

_Please be toast._

From the form of power in the center of the room, a second beam of blue sparks erupted from its center, passing straight through the wall into the open air and away, not unlike a blue comet in its own fashion.

Artemis felt a muscle in his temple twitch. _Why can it never be toast?_

However, Artemis's thoughts were interrupted by the dissipating of the sparks on the floor to almost reveal two forms that stood together, one much smaller than the other with a very strangely shaped head. They were even moving a little. Their forms got a little clearer as the sparks began to clear away. _People? I summoned… People? Oh, dear. I have no idea how to put them back where they belong without killing them. I just hope they don't really mind that sort of thing._ Butler and Juliet dived forward as soon as they regained their senses, taking individual stances to protect Artemis from whoever was standing in the magic circle. _At least they actually pay attention to my karma better than I do…_Artemis thought before slumping to the floor, completely devoid of any strength.

……………………………………………………………………………….

Ritsuka felt so very odd. It was like being everything and nothing at once. Like being spotless and filthy at the same time. It was indescribable, so his mind made up very strange analogies to take their place. All he could see was blue, blue everywhere but never staying in the same place long enough for his vision to pin it down. It was beautiful, so he was a little sad to see it go. It had made him forget the sadness of everything; of the newest wound his mother had given him, about his dead brother, everything. He was devastated to see it go, and even more so to see what was left in its place.

There was a very dark, stale-looking large room there. He felt a presence beside him that felt a lot like Soubi's but dismissed that as impossible. There was no way that Soubi could've been there with him… unless it was Soubi who had made all the blue light in the first place. That seemed unlikely, as the dreary place he was in now had some very strange people in it.

There was the very large man that looked like his years were getting to him. No ears. That was to be expected. He looked pretty worn out, but still was in some kind of battle pose or whatever. There was another girl there who looked like she was, at the very least, in her last year of high school. No ears. Well, that wasn't as much of a surprise as it could've been. About half of the girls that age at the schools in his area had lost their ears already. He vividly recalled the female Zero pair.

It was the third, much smaller figure that stood out. Even though it looked as though he had collapsed, it was easy enough to see him. He looked to be no older than 13 or 14, only a year or two older than Ritsuka. _And he had no ears to speak of, either._

Ritsuka's eyes rolled up in shock and he fell against a comforting, warm figure before blacking out entirely.

………………………………………………………………………………

Soubi was shocked to see someone so young with no ears as the other, vampiric-looking boy who was almost out cold. Ritsuka must've been too, because at that point, his eyes had rolled up and he had collapsed as well. Soubi was delighted to have this chance to touch Ritsuka intimately, but it would've been nicer if Ritsuka had been conscious. Or not, seeing as Soubi probably would've been yelled at, called a pervert, and abandoned. Okay, unconscious was better.

"We don't have any intentions of hurting anyone. Don't bother with getting all ready to fight."

The man and the woman seemed to understand him and their stances relaxed a little. Soubi was pleased to see that they were still on guard, particularly the man. They seemed enough like combat-hardened veterans that they knew not to trust the promises of a strange person. Soubi turned downward to check Ritsuka. With any luck, he would wake up in a few minutes.

"Are we permitted to ask where this place is?" Soubi asked. "And why doesn't that child have ears?" He pointed at the slumped Artemis.

Artemis raised his head wearily in response. "L- let me explain a bit. This… is… an error on my part, in truth."

"Error?" Soubi asked.

"Frankly, I'm amazed you speak our language."

"Just how far from Japan are we? And you still haven't answered my question about the ears." Soubi said.

"We have a country in this dimension called Japan, as well. As for the ears… No one in this dimension has them. And if you are looking for ears, why not question Butler or Juliet? They have none either. And where, may I ask, are yours?"

"Gone years ago. And I didn't ask your companions because they are old enough not to have them. And you seem to be saying that he and I are in another dimension just now?" Soubi said.

"Correct." Artemis said. "I am Artemis Fowl. This is Butler on my left, Juliet Butler on my right. Pleased to meet you."

"I am Agatsuma Soubi. Soubi is acceptable. This is Aoyagi Ritsuka-kun. It may be more appropriate to call him Ritsuka-kun."

"Honorifics…" muttered Artemis. "What is wrong with… Ritsuka-kun?"

"He was shocked to see someone as young as you with no ears or tail. I must say, it gave me a bit of a turn at first as well. That, or dimensional travel doesn't agree with him." Soubi said, looking down at Ritsuka, who gave a tiny sound to show he was waking a little. "Have a chair or sofa or bed on hand?"

"You have no idea." Artemis smiled a little. "Juliet, see that our temporary guests have a place to stay that won't arouse suspicion from Mother or Father. And ESPECIALLY out of the reach of the twins."

"Yessir!" Juliet saluted with her left hand and turned on her high-heeled shoes, not really waiting for Soubi to catch up. As it happened, she didn't need to. "This way, keep up, we're moving, we're moving…. If you'll look on your left you'll see…" Juliet's fading voice seemed to be having a great time playing the tour guide to people who had no idea what was going on. Perhaps she had a slight superiority complex. But that was a thought for another day.

Butler motioned to take Artemis aside for a moment. "Did you see?"

"Yes, Butler, I saw very well. Our guest Ritsuka-kun has at least one visible cut on his face and his right hand is very heavily bandaged. I suspect he has other wounds on his body that we can't see. Did you notice? Ritsuka-kun wears slightly thicker, baggier clothing than Soubi does. Going by what Soubi wears, Ritsuka should be in short sleeves. I imagine he doesn't want to because it may expose other wounds. I don't think he's a fighter though. I don't get that feeling from him at all, at the risk of sounding like a cheap psychic. I believe that Soubi is the fighter. And a very strong one as well. Was there anything else?" Artemis said.

"I am a little worried about the boy's - Ritsuka-kun's, you said it was? - ears. He has a cat tail as well. It's 2007. We have trouble hiding something like that from your parents, and I'm not even getting _into _what people might say on the streets. What can we do about those? A hat won't hide everything." Butler looked very worried. He had seen fairies and trolls and kleptomaniac dwarves, but never a 12-year-old with cat ears, a tail, and inexplicable wounds.

"We'll find a way around that small problem. We always do."

"What are we going to do when Holly finds out?" Butler asked.

Artemis shuddered visibly. "Er… Let us just pray that we won't need to consult her on this one."

"When did you start believing in religion?" Butler asked.

"I believe in religion?"

………………………………………………………………………………

Ya done? Coolio! Hope you liked it enough to read the other chapters. I just got Cel to go back to sleep, so you're not in any immediate danger, but you probably should review anyway. I'm sure you're tired of reading that, but I mean it.

BTW, Celestine-chan is my perverted other personality. Don't mind her too much, she can't do anything except make me click on M-rated fanfiction by 'accident'. I mean, CLEAN YOUR MIND OF UNWHOLESOME IMAGES! KILL YOUR PERVERSION!!!

(What do we do with hentais?

Villagers: BURN THEM!!!!!!

or...we could build a bridge out of 'em?

ahh, but can you not ALSO build bridges out of bishies?

...oh yeah...

tell me, do hentai's float?

LET'S FIND OUT!) ...sorry, monty python is much funnier at 12:23 at night. Morning. Whatever.


	2. What I wouldn't give for a waffle iron

Hello, again! Chapter 2 is out! Don't always expect updates this quickly; I've still got Lands of Legend to finish. If you read this, it's an automatic requirement to review. I really don't like it when people put it on their Story Alerts or whatever, but don't actually tell me what they think. I live for _reviews!_ Well, better let you read the fluff-tasticness.

DISCLAIMER: Yun Kouga and Eoin Colfer own Loveless and Artemis Fowl, not me. But then, you all knew that.

* * *

Juliet knew that Butler had been itching to ask Artemis something, or perhaps several somethings, so she took the longest possible route to the most out-of-the-way, annoyingly hard-to-find guest room in the mansion. After all, hadn't Arty said that he wanted their guests to be well hidden? Sometimes Juliet took suggestions a little too well. That, and she was very interested in the smaller of the two. She had never been good with names, but she had a feeling that he would always stand out in her memory. Juliet, while a total tomboy at some times, was very feminine at others. This was a feminine time. She loved looking back at those adorable little ears and that sweet little tail, even though she tried to disguise it. How could she resist? It was too cute. She was a little jealous of the older man who got to fondle the kid as much as he liked as he carried him, following after Juliet. By the end of the long trek, Juliet had made up her mind to hate the old pervert with all of the famous 'power of youth' that she possessed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand- this is _your_ room." She said, showing Soubi into a smallish bedroom that probably at one point or another had been a servant's quarters. As Soubi began to carry the younger boy into the room, Juliet flung out an arm. "Not one step further."

"But you said this was my room." Soubi looked slightly confused. _Maybe it's a tradition here or something equally odd like that. You never know when a 14-year-old has no ears…_Soubi thought.

"Exactly. I said it was _your_ room. Not his. He comes with to _his_ room. Not yours." Juliet mentally glared at him but managed a false smile on the outside.

"I go where Ritsuka does. I'll come with you."

"Damn."

"Hmm?"

"Oh, nothing!" Juliet was even more angered by Soubi's aloofness. She really wanted to sock him hard in the face, but any guest of Artemis's had to be treated relatively well. Her dreams of violence would have to wait. And really, Ritsuka was all she needed. "I can take him for you…. He must be getting heavy-" she moved to take Ritsuka from Soubi, but he moved away just out of her reach.

"It's alright. I'm used to carrying much more than his weight." Soubi said.

Juliet seethed. "Well. This is his room." This room was certainly a bit larger than the one Soubi had been shown. There was some very nice furniture, but the room still felt a little secondhand. Juliet really wished that she could just invite the more travel-sized of their visitors to stay in her room or something, but she kept receiving the mind waves that Artemis gave off. It was like reading each other's minds. He knew what she wanted to go ahead with, and she knew he disapproved. Simple as that.

Soubi walked over to the queen-sized bed and laid Ritsuka down on its coverlet, finding a chair to sit on. Juliet had already called dibs on the largest, softest one for spite.

"So… who was that boy before? And who are you? I am told that are Juliet Butler and he was Artemis Fowl, but that tells me nothing. What is this place?" asked Soubi, only slightly lifting his eyes from Ritsuka, who seemed ready to wake up any minute.

"I'm a Butler, so that tells you right off that I'm a great fighter and you'd better not get between me and the things I want." Juliet said with a meaningful smile. "But Artemis… he's a hard one to really get to know. He's the smartest person… probably in the world or whatever. He discovered that the center of the Earth was full of Faeries. Who'dda thunk it? But I've met a faerie or two in my time, so I can totally prove it. I back Artemis up with anything. Just remember: no matter how crazy his theories sound, they're always right."

"Always?" Soubi said.

"Always." She sang.

"Then he'll know how to send Ritsuka and I back home?" he said.

"Eventually." Juliet said. "We didn't really expect to get anything, you know… alive." _I think I remember Artemis saying something about toast or dryer sheets before… like that worked out. At least we got something cute and non-hostile. …and cute._

Ritsuka's arm slid up and tried to pry him up from the bed a bit. Soubi moved to try to help him sit up, but Ritsuka shook his head a little and did it himself. Juliet stared intently at him. She had wondered how he looked when awake.

_Ohhhh. Myyyyy. Goooooood._ Juliet thought she was going to faint or have a nosebleed. His eyes still had the wetted quality of sleep, so they practically sparkled with adorableness. Much like a cat, he raised an arm and rubbed the side of his wrist over one eye. He stumbled slightly from his own weight cutely and looked around with such a sweet what-the-hell-just-happened face that Juliet's heart practically pounded out of her chest. She couldn't help but swoon a little.

"Are you quite alright?" Soubi asked, seeing her very red cheeks and fainting movements.

"Perfectly." She said dreamily. Not even Soubi could ruin this moment.

"Soubi, where are we? I thought we were in some dark room, and there were other people… and there was a kid with no-" Ritsuka said.

"You didn't imagine that. You saw and then fainted. I carried you here." Soubi said, taking Ritsuka's hand in his.

"Hentai." He murmured halfheartedly. "You said 'arrived'? Where _are _we?"

"My question exactly." Soubi said, turning to Juliet.

Juliet was still halfway in happy wonderland because she had seen the cutest thing in her life. Now she could hear his sweet, slightly rough voice to go with that face and would have fallen over her own feet to hear more of it.

"You're in Ireland in another dimension." Juliet said. "This is Fowl manor, and I'm Juliet. Juliet Butler. You'll be staying with us foreve- I mean, till Artemis finds out how to send you home."

Ritsuka turned to her. "Yoroshiku, Juliet-san. Thank you for your hospitality."

"Ooh, it's nothing, really..." Juliet wiggled in her seat in embarrassment.

"Well, this Artemis person seems to be the brains behind this entire operation, so shouldn't we be talking to him instead of you?" Soubi asked.

"Shut up. No one was talking to you." Juliet said.

"However," a disembodied voice said, "I can see his point quite clearly. Let me take over from here, Juliet."

"Artemis! Erm, sure, sure!" Juliet popped out of her chair a little reluctantly, because, of course, it was the one that she had placed closest to Ritsuka. Artemis sat down just as Butler, looking slightly dissatisfied with whatever his master had told him, entered the room. Butler took up his alert position at the back of the room.

"I presume that Juliet has told you the basics of your predicament?" he said.

"Yes. However, all we really know is that we are in some strange dimension and you seem to be the only person who knows how to get us out." Soubi said.

"Ahh, which would be where the mistake lies."

"Meaning?" Ritsuka asked.

"I have the _ability_ to send you home. As of yet, I simply have no knowledge as to _how_ to do it." Artemis said.

"…Please tell me you're kidding." Ritsuka said. "We can't stay here! Or at least I can't! It looks like the people here don't have ears! I could never blend in easily. There are some things just a hat won't fix." Almost as if to prove his point, Ritsuka's tail waved angrily behind him. Juliet stared at it, following its path through the air.

"There is a place where you might receive less questioning looks than anywhere else that also has a vast number of people that most likely would know how to send you home. If we can go there unnoticed on the whole, then there should be considerably fewer risks to taking you out in public. It is just a little… difficult to get there."

Butler saw where this was heading. "Would Holly really welcome us with open arms?"

"Perhaps, perhaps not. Foaly would probably let us in if only to point and laugh at any mistake of mine." Artemis said, his aura suddenly becoming dark and annoyed.

"Right then."

"Then I suppose I should just call Holly up again and ask for a favour-"

"Wait!" Ritsuka implored, spreading his arms a little. "Who is Holly? Or Foaly? Who are any of these people and where are we going? I would like to know before we go walking into something that could easily be a trap!"

"Good point. I'll oblige." And thus, Artemis quietly explained the whole faeries affair to the otherworldly visitors, with occasional commentary and input from Butler. Juliet heard a few that things that she hadn't known about before, and listened intently.

"That is… quite a story." Soubi said after a long silence. "In return for such a story, I imagine you would need to hear a little about the two of us, in order to know that we have no ill intent towards you."

"That would be helpful, yes." Artemis admitted.

Soubi told their story, editing the spots regarding the instability of Ritsuka's mother. Ritsuka was thankful for those parts and added a few things here and there. As final proof, Soubi unwrapped the bandage that circled his throat to show them his marking.

"'_Beloved'._ What is that supposed to mean?" Juliet said.

"To be loved by all." Soubi, Artemis, and Ritsuka said all at once.

Juliet snorted, then abandoned her query. "So Ritsuka, if he has a mark for his name, where's yours? What is your name?"

"Me?" Juliet nodded. "Well, I don't… um… I don't have a marking. It's strange. Someone told that it must be in place that I can't see myself. But, Soubi told me that my name was…" Ritsuka blushed a little.

"Ooh, ooh! What, what? Tell me!" Juliet leaned forward, resting her face in her palms and wiggling her bottom like a cat who had seen the perfect prey.

"'_Loveless'_."

Her bottom stopped moving and she raised an eyebrow. "'Loveless'? What kind of a name is that? It's not very nice at all, calling someone that."

"There's nothing that I can do to change it, though. Everyone has a preordained name, most likely before they're even born and thus have the opportunity to want otherwise." Ritsuka said.

"Oi, now you're sounding too much like Artemis. We don't really need another smart-ass in the house. Though, I guess, you look really cute when you're saying that kind of stuff…" Juliet said.

"Lay off it." Muttered Soubi temperamentally.

"Make me." Juliet stuck out her tongue at him. Both Ritsuka and Artemis rolled their eyes a little, but edged back in case they decided that they would get a jump-start on beating the crap out of one another. Butler stayed perfectly still.

"Perhaps I should call Holly now," Artemis said loudly and pointedly, "before you destroy the entire East Wing."

"Good plan." Ritsuka said.

Artemis immediately pulled his communicator from his pocket and began dialing the appropriate number. Soubi and Juliet stood down, at least for the time being.

"Holly Short speaking."

"Yes, Holly? We need your assistance with something, if you please." Artemis said.

"Artemis? That… _you?_ And you're asking for _my _help? Hold on, I gotta find a tape recorder. Now, please say that again slowly and clearly." Holly said.

"Yes, very clever of you. I'm deadly serious. There's been a…. small incident here at Fowl Manor and we require the efforts of you and quite possibly Mr. Foaly to right it. Do you accept?" he asked testily.

"Hafta ask Foaly first. Please hold." She said, and the communicator went silent for an instant. All eyes were intent on Artemis, save for those of Butler, who was busy keeping an eye on Soubi. "Well, he said he's fine helping you out. The fact that you've made a mistake and actually need help cleaning up your messes again seems to have perked him up a bit, what with the whole rejection thing. A little humiliation on your part seems to do him wonders. Keep at it, will you?"

"We have some visitors from another dimension here." Artemis said.

Large crashing noises ensued and it was a few seconds before Holly managed to speak in a coherent sentence that did not consist of curses in Gnommish. "Another Dimension? Have you finally cracked out of your itty-bitty mind, Artemis?" she gasped.

"No, and I never had an 'itty-bitty mind', as you so aptly put it. I need to get these people home, and NOW. My parents can NOT know about this, no matter the cost. How soon can you get the OK for a retrieval cover-up mission?" Artemis said.

"ASAP."

"ASAP would be nice." He said.

"I will be right back. Try not to pull anything rash thinking there's no way it can possibly go wrong, Artemis." She begged.

"Me? Never." Artemis said. He waited for about two minutes and nearly thought to hang up.

"All right. My superiors tell me I can go now. I'll meet you… uh…"

"The place we first met?"

"Which was... where?"

Artemis patiently explained about the tree-by-the-crooked-river thing.

"Still not a clue. Let's just go to Ayr in Scotland. There's a huge shute a few miles west of there." Holly said. "I'm doing this mission alone. Expect me in... 1 hour."

Artemis sighed. "You honestly expect us to get there in one hour? Delay your own departure a few hours. In the eventuality that we _still_ aren't there when you arrive, please wait patiently for one half-hour, after which time you should call me and confirm that we are not in some sort of federal/supernatural prison or dead."

"Yeah, that would really suck if you ended up dead. Meet you in... a bit!" Holly hung up, apparently eager to get some action after all this time. Artemis stared for an instant at the communicator, then hung up as well.

"What's the news?" Juliet asked.

"We're going to Scotland for a rendezvous with Holly. In Ayr, apparently. She will escort us to Haven from the shuttle opening near there." Artemis said.

"How far away is Ayr?" Ritsuka asked.

"Approximately 6 hours and 5 minutes from here if you're traveling by vehicle and 347 kilometers. Get prepared, Butler. We leave as soon as is possible."

"But, by _vehicle?_ Shouldn't we take a flight?" Juliet said.

"No. There's no time to book a flight. In addition, staying as much as we can out of the public eyes will help." He glanced at Ritsuka. "Thus, we are introduced to our next issue. Aoyagi-kun, with all do respect, we will be walking through some heavily populated areas. I'm afraid we shall have to do some about those ears of yours."

* * *

Well, there's Chapter two for ya! I hope you liked it, even if not a lot got done. The next chapter will be better, I swear! ;

Anyway, now is the time to REVIEEEEEEEW! You know you wanna. Just click that little button. Doooo it, dooooo it.

Isn't Juliet coming out wierd? Well, we don't really know much about her preferences in the books, so I can make her have a loli-shota complex if'in I want to. so, I guess this is toodles till next time. Ja!

Oh! P.S. The time and distance between Dublin and Ayr is actually accurate, if there's no bad weather or bad traffick. Yeah. Just so you know.

REVIEEEEEEW! Now.


	3. Flying through the Ayr to land in a tree

Hello and welcome to chapter three of Interdimensional Experimentation and Toast. This one has some fun-ish stuff in it. I hope you enjoy it, everyone! 

Disclaimer: I don't know why I even put this here anymore. You all know I don't own anything in this fic.

This chapter is dedicated to ColorsOver, the only wonderful person to review. Thank you, dear! I probably would have abandoned this fic long ago if it weren't for you!

* * *

"I'm afraid we shall have to do something about those ears of yours." Artemis said.

Ritsuka pulled his hands over his head, protecting them. "You _do _understand that my ears are _attached_?"

"Soubi has no ears, Aoyagi-kun-"

"It's Ritsuka."

"-therefore there must be some way to remove them." Artemis said

"Well, yes, but you don't have the slightest idea what-" Ritsuka said.

"Does the disappearance of one's ears have to do singularly with age?" Artemis asked.

"No, but often where we come from, the absence of ears is a metaphor for adulthood." Soubi said.

"Then you can remove them now?"

"Give me an hour or so." Soubi smiled.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH?????! HENTAAAAAAIII!" Ritsuka squeaked out, edging as far away from Soubi as was possible. "Le-Let's just go back to the hat idea! Or-or I can hide under the car seat! Something! Anything!"

"Do you like your ears that much, Aoyagi-kun?"

"I'm not sure you understand exactly what-"

"Can you please leave us alone for a while?" Soubi asked.

"Certainly, but what-" Artemis started to leave.

"NOOOOOO! DON'T LEAVE JUST YET! COME BAAAAAAAACK! Ack!" Ritsuka yelled in fear as Soubi pushed him down to kiss him.

Artemis, though a genius in regards to everything else, was a complete idiot when it came to romance, especially something of this kind. Being an idiot, he was stupid enough to leave Ritsuka and Soubi alone in room together.

"So, Artemis, what do you think they would have to do that required us to leave the room to get rid of his ears?" Juliet asked, lonely and attention-starved now that Ritsuka was out of her sight.

"I haven't a clue." Artemis said.

* * *

Ritsuka and Soubi, to everyone's surprise, were back in less than 10 minutes.

"I thought you said something about an hour." Artemis commented, looking at Ritsuka's lack of ears.

"Your world is very strange. His ears vanished after the his few kisses…" Soubi muttered temperamentally. Artemis froze, contemplating the words. He turned, eyes wide, to Ritsuka.

"He _told_ you it was a metaphor for adulthood. He asked you to _leave the room_. It _shocked _us to find that you had no ears for your age. Exactly what is the extent of your common sense, or lack thereof?" Ritsuka asked bitterly.

"I… I am _so _sorry." Artemis said.

"You better be. And you had better be damn glad that this world is different from ours and they left early on."

"Your ears, if you really didn't… should be back when you go back to your world."

"Or I will come back and strangle you."

"Understood." Artemis recovered his commanding demeanour. "Butler has taken care of stocking the van with everything we'll need and my parents are being notified. Our alibi is that we are going to an anime convention in Ayr. Hopefully, my parents will accept this and let me go relatively unaccompanied."

"Will the clothes we're wearing now work?" Ritsuka asked, eyeing Artemis's suit.

"Yes. I believe it is time to go." Artemis said.

"Yay! Ritsuka-kun, will you sit next to me on the way?" Juliet said.

"No, you may not," said Soubi.

"I was asking _Ritsuka-kun, _not _you._" Juliet said.

"Erm, sure." Ritsuka resumed looking out of the window.

"Bu-but-but _Ritsukaaaaaaa?_ I thought…" Soubi sniffled.

"Too late." Juliet sang, sliding in suggestively next to Ritsuka. She stuck her tongue out as a final blow. It was Soubi's turn to seethe, even if his master was completely ignoring her. He entered after her.

* * *

"Never again. We are flying back, understood?" Butler said as he got out of the car.

"Understood. We'll have to book it as soon as possible. Or perhaps Foaly could find an easier way for us to get home." Artemis said, looking paler than usual as he followed the bodyguard.

_Flashback_

_Soubi, slowly but surely, was turning green. He was one of the last people you would expect to get motion sick, but the highways of Northern Ireland were not a force to be trifled with, by any means. He leaned his forehead against the cool windowpane, thanking it quietly for being so cool and always there for him. Juliet had noticed and was smiling faintly at him._

"_Stupid bridge," muttered Butler. It wasn't often that Butler had to drive, particularly since the Fowl family had recently hired several chauffeurs to occupy that task since Artemis had first disappeared. However, this was too sensitive a matter to bring an unrelated person in on. So Butler had to drive, being the only person trusted enough to drive the vehicle._

"_Hey, big brother…" Juliet said smoothly, "how about you let me drive for a while? We could switch as soon as we get off this bridge. Then you could get the rest you really deserve." Soubi's head jerked up in horror at her, knowing exactly what she was trying to pull._

"_Absolutely not. You would just run into a tree or something. I cannot trust you with the safety of the people in this van. We are most certainly NOT switching any time soon."_

"_Aaaaaaaw, that's not nice! And you're supposed to be my big brother! I can be trusted!"_

"_No you can't, remember the time with the motorcycle you borrowed from that disgusting boyfriend of yours? Tree'd."_

"_There was a rabbit!"_

"_No, there bloody well wasn't-"_

_The argument continued well past the bridge into Scotland about how well Juliet could be trusted. And exactly how many times she had tree'd a vehicle. So it was perfectly natural that eventually Butler would get so wrapped up in his argument that he would turn away from the steering wheel for an instant. Or a full minute._

_Ritsuka had stayed perfectly silent throughout all of this. In fact, he hadn't heard a word of it. His head had been stuck in a book he had been lent by Artemis. After all, both could appreciate a good book fetish. Now he leaned forward and spoke to Artemis directly._

"_Is there any way you can shut them up without killing them?"_

"_Probably not. Why?"_

"_Because if Butler doesn't start steering, we're going to hit that meat truck. And probably the Lays truck right next to it. And that passenger car with the little family from Iowa. And we might get rear-ended by the bus behind us with children on their fourth grade field trip."_

"_Good point. Butler, for the sake of both our sanity and our lives, could you watch the road, by any chance?" Artemis said._

"_Huh? Oh, yes, of course Artemis."_

"_Thank you."_

"_But I WANNA DRIVE!!!" Juliet whined. "I'll pile drive you! Right here in the car!"_

"_I wouldn't advise that unless you want to kill us all. In fact why DO you even want to drive?" Artemis asked._

"_Ah?" Juliet stared off into the windshield._

"_Forgot?"_

"…_Yep."_

"_Alright, now, everyone, I need you to be perfectly quiet; this is where we hit a rough patch." Butler said. "Artemis, which way am I turning?"_

_Artemis looked surprised. "Why ask me? I never looked at the map."_

"_It should be in the glove compartment."_

_Artemis checked. "There's nothing here."_

"_Oh, Good Lord."_

"_We're on A719 right now, right?" Juliet asked._

"_Please tell me you know the way," Butler said._

"_I think I do, but it's been a few years."_

"_Tell me, when do I turn?"_

"_Ah, ah, aaaah." Juliet sang, wiggling her finger. "You let me drive first. Besides, you're such a grouchy mother when you're getting directions from someone and you haven't had your coffee."_

"_Butler, I thought you didn't like coffee," Artemis said._

"_I don't. And Juliet…oh, all right. We switch as soon as we find a place to stop."_

"_The shoulder should open up a little when A719 becomes Sandgate."_

"_Wait! Juliet, the sign says we're on New Bridge Street! Are we still on A719?"_

"_Yes, it's all the same thing."_

"_Do we turn here?"_

"_No, you idiot! Do that and you'll end upon A70!"_

"_Okay, okay! Hey! The sign says 'Sandgate' now! Where do we turn off?"_

"_Now! Now! Wellington Square! That's it! No, not that one! The second turnoff!"_

"_Sure it's not the THIRD one? THAT one says WELLINGTON LANE!"_

_The argument continued even into the bar that Juliet had been leading them to in the first place ("How did you even KNOW about this place?" "None of your business, big brother!"). Ritsuka was finding it hard to ignore their voices now. Artemis, unfortunately, was used to it._

_Once they had switched, though, everything got ten times worse. Butler had been quite right to deny her the captain's seat. Had Butler not been there to direct her, she would have killed every one of them. There were a great many arguments about how every road was named Fairfield, Parkview, or Bellevue._

Which was how Soubi was feeling about twenty times worse than he had and was now in the bathroom of the Savoy Park five-star hotel.

"I've just finished booking us for a few nights. The receptionist knows that both Aoyagi-kun and Soubi will be leaving sooner than the rest of us and the appropriate measures have been taken. It took her fifteen long, torturous minutes for he to grasp the concept of what I was saying." Artemis said. As per request, he had booked two separate rooms. Butler and Juliet would be staying in one room and Soubi, Ritsuka, and Artemis in the other. First of all, this kept Juliet away from Ritsuka. Second, it kept Ritsuka near Soubi. Third, Artemis was close by and thus able to speak with the otherworldly people. Fourth, since Artemis was there, Soubi couldn't try anything perverted on Ritsuka. Artemis learned from the last time, even if it wasn't a particularly enjoyable lesson.

"Nonononononononoooooooo! Pleeeeeeeeease, I wanna be with Ritsuka-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun….. I'll cry! Don't make me! I'm going; I'm gonna do it!" whined Juliet as Butler dragged her out of the door to the room they would be sharing. A guest or two opened their doors looking like they wanted to shoot whoever the strange, loud, and annoying person was. Butler was starting to think along the same lines.

"Why couldn't it have been toast?" he muttered, Juliet now crying as dramatically as she could.

* * *

"Artemis."

"….."

"Artemis."

"What?"

"Why are we in a hotel?" Ritsuka said.

"Now, why would you ask something like that? We need a place to sleep, of course. I would _ruin_ my coat on a park bench." Artemis said.

"Why do we need a place to stay? Holly-san said the shute was a few miles east of here, right? Isn't that exactly what you told us? Given her clearly superior technology, she should be able to get here far quicker than us, particularly with Juliet-san driving." Both boys shivered noticeably. "Is it that you don't think this is going to work and you just want a back-up plan or is it something else entirely?" Ritsuka said.

Artemis was silent for a while. "You are much smarter than I gave you credit for."

"Anyone with an IQ above room temperature could figure that out if they looked and listened."

"You stole that line." Artemis said.

"Yes; from online political debates. So it _is _something different."

"Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

Ritsuka was starting to get angry. Well, he knew what it was like to be Holly now. "I'm a Libertarian leaning Centrist, now answer my questions."

"…Fine. There is another reason. We should probably get Butler and Juliet back in here. They need to know that there's a slight change in plans as well."

"No need, Artemis," Butler said, popping out from the woodworking on the door.

"And Juliet?" Artemis said.

"She's taking an involuntary nap right now. I'll tell her later." Soubi and Ritsuka exchanged glances.

"Do you remember that I told you our cover was that we'd be going to an anime convention?" All nodded. "Well, Mother and Father don't really trust me, so in order to make sure that I don't go back in time or to another dimension or whatever, they want me to have proof that I actually went to an anime convention."

The silence stretched.

"Is there even one nearby?" Ritsuka asked.

"Yes. I do my research for alibis quite thoroughly, thank you," Artemis said. "But the shutes will have to wait a while. I'm sorry," he turned to Ritsuka and Soubi, "that your journey home has been delayed."

"Well, you didn't think we wanted to go home right off the bat, did you?" Soubi asked, an evil smile on his face. Ritsuka was smiling a little, too. "This is likely to be the only time in our lives that we'll be able to see the sights and sounds of another world that _isn't_ on the inside of a car that Juliet in driving. We want to look around a _little!_"

Butler chuckled quietly. "Something tells me you're not going to see what you expect to see."

"Why would you say that, Butler-san?" Ritsuka asked, a little worried now.

"Because this particular convention is YaoiCon Scotland 2007. You'll never get out alive if you're a boy."

* * *

Well, there's chapter three, folks. Hope you liked it! This one, I don't like very much, but I promise that there'll be an extra-long and funny chapter next time. I'll also be updating sooner than this. The only reason this one was so very late in coming was that my sister had an AP government paper to write on the computer that took her about two and a half days to write. That, and I found the glory that is Kingdom Hearts 2 and Yami no Matsuei. And Kyou Kara Maou (It's that much more fun if you play 'It's raining Men' during the opening theme animation instead of the actual song and the tone deaf idiot who sings it. It fits almost perfectly if you time it right).

Please review and tell me what you think. Reviews are the oxygen molecules of my respiratory system. Okay, that was kind of a weird metaphor. Never mind. Just review, people.

See you again in the next chappie! (God, I hate that abbreviation, I don't know why I use it…)


	4. Crossplay burns corneas  Learn it

Hello, people! It's me, Nadeshiko-chan! Chapter four is up, and aren't you excited? -wind blows- Anyway, this is the chapter with YaoiCon 2007 in it. Funfun! I had a great time writing this and I think you may like it too. If you don't, just walk away. If you _do _like it however, review like nuts. Go for it! Really! I'll give you a nice juice pop if you do. 

The idea for the anime convention as a whole came from my older sister, Kate avalanche, so if you like the ideas that pop up in this chapter, go look at her stuff. In fact, even if you _don't _like this chapter, go read her stuff. She has stories for Naruto, DN Angel, Ouran High School Host Club, Spirited Away, and CLAMP School Detectives. If you don't know what those things are, I pity you.

To everyone who reviewed, thank you. DemonicChick888 and ColorsOver, you were right. Crap. Should've known that people would guess. It doesn't make it any less fun though, does it? Well, enjoy!

Interdimensional Experimentation and Toast Chapter 4 

"So… So this is YaoiCon 2007." Ritsuka said faintly.

"It's…" Soubi said.

"It's…" Artemis muttered.

"IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!!!" Juliet squealed and raced to get a badge stating that she was allowed into the Convention grounds.

"Why? Why did my sister have to be one of them?" Butler asked, not really expecting an answer. And he was right; Juliet was already attracting people whom she seemed to fit in with just fine.

There were people, quite literally, everywhere. About a third of them were in some kind of costume or another, if not more. There was a person dressed as Cardcaptor Sakura who was waving over a fully dressed Syaoran and stuffed Kero doll. There were at least nine different people nearby dressed as some character from Naruto; you could tell from the Headbands. Some costumes looked cute on the people, but others were simply scary.

There had been a man in a very short skirt and a school uniform skipping by. Butler had quickly covered the eyes of Artemis and Ritsuka, so at least two of the party members were not mentally scarred for life.

"Hey, you! I need one of those arrows to gouge out my eyes!" Soubi called.

"I have a machete in my left boot," suggested Butler.

"Excellent choice."

"He could've at _least_ shaved his legs! Ugggh!"

But most of all, there were characters from shounen-ai animes. There were people from Sukisyo. There were people from Gravitation. There were people from Yami no Matsuei. There was even a Daisuke, Dark, and Satoshi group from DN Angel, which wasn't a really blatant yaoi show. And then….

"Hey Soubi?" Ritsuka said.

"Yes, Ritsuka?" Soubi said.

"Why are those people dressed like you, me, Shinonome-sensei, Yuiko-san, Yayoi, Natsuo, and Youji?"

"I… I can't tell you that. I don't know."

"Natsuo and Youji are pretty convincing. Actually, I think you and I are, too. But I could barely tell that that was Yuiko-san."

"I agree." Soubi said.

"You know them?" Artemis asked, vaguely surprised.

"Not them personally, but we know people who look almost identical _to_ some of them." Ritsuka said.

Artemis and Butler exchanged glances this time. "You… You don't think that…"

"Hey, Ritsuka-kuuuuuun!" Juliet sang. "-And-everybody-else!" She had somehow acquired a Kyou bag from Fruits Basket, a Shippo hat from Inuyasha, Hitomi's necklace from Escaflowne, and a Fullmetal Alchemist red coat. It made for an odd picture, along with the strange boots that laced all the way up to her knee with straps and sheaths for knives or cell phones, whichever the user preferred. "Those people look a lot like you and Soubi, sweetie!" She said, surprised. "Though not _nearly_ as cute you."

"Umm… thanks?" Ritsuka said.

"Juliet," Artemis began, "could you, by any stretch, go over and ask them who they are dressed as?"

"Of course, Arty! And the term is _cosplaying_." Juliet bounced over to the group, receiving a wide berth upon her arrival.

"How on _earth_ did someone like _that _come from _your _bloodline, Butler?" Ritsuka asked.

"I ask myself that question most days of the week," Butler said.

* * *

"So…. You're from an anime called '_Loveless'_?" Juliet asked.

"Of course! _Loveless_ is so great! Ritsuka-kun is so very cute, too!" said the girl cosplaying as Ritsuka.

"I _know!_" said Juliet, slipping into reverie.

"Huh? But I thought you didn't know what-"

"Oh, ignore me. Y'know what? I'll be right back." Juliet raced over to Artemis and the others. "Ritsuka-kun, that girl says she's cosplaying as _you_. And she said that you're a character from a series called '_Loveless'_." Ritsuka, Soubi, and Artemis all went pale, though it was a little hard to tell with Artemis.

"So, Ritsuka, you're an icon of insane women everywhere. What _will_ they do when they find out that the real one exists, I wonder?" Artemis said.

"Oh, Lord. The first thing they'd ask is how I lost the ears." Ritsuka moaned, covering the spots on his head where his ears had been at one point. "Are we going to have to put a mask on me or something?"

"That may not be a bad idea." Butler said. "You too, Soubi. If you two are really from the same place and dimension or whatever, then you'll probably be recognizable, too. That other man with that girl Juliet was talking to was dressed quite similarly to you. Juliet, did you ask the man who he was supposed to be?"

"Who cares? The guy has really bad taste if he wanted to look like _this _idiot." Juliet said, putting on a pouty face.

"Umm, Juliet-san?" Ritsuka began.

"Yes, my adorable little sweetie?"

"Can you go with them? That group that's dressed like us? I'm sure you could have a lot of fun here, and you can probably make friends that'll, y'know, still be around after all of this is over. Ones that live in the same dimension as you."

"Oh, anything for you, dear. And besides, I've got a feeling that that girl who was dressed like you could be really cool!" Juliet danced off, leaving a trail of imaginary hearts behind her.

"A-amazing." Butler said. "You got rid of her for the time being _and _found a reliable source of information for her to report on later. That was _genius_." Artemis tossed Butler a dirty look, one that went relatively unnoticed.

"So, do we need to find Holly-san somewhere?" Ritsuka asked.

Artemis checked his watch. "Yes. We should be leaving about now."

Butler and Soubi walked behind their old charges and their newer, stranger ones. It was stranger than most of the things either had seen. Sure, that might be only because they was used to those particular events by now, but this was way out of the men's comfort zones.

It hit Butler like a perfectly aimed snowball, the kind that is slightly slushy so that it trickles down into one's underwear. The streak of light. There had been a blue streak of light that had shot away from Fowl Manor when Ritsuka and Soubi had first arrived. Did that mean that their two guests weren't the only ones that had come from the other world? Just like with the snowball, coldness rolled down Butler's spine.

"Butler? What is wrong?" Artemis said, stopping to turn around and face his old friend.

"Did you see a streak of light like a shooting star or something fly out of that spell you used when Ritsuka and Soubi first came here?"

Artemis remembered instantly. "Oddly enough, yes. It seemed to have slipped my mind for quite a while, but yes. Do you think that it means trouble for us?"

"When does something unplanned for bode well?" Butler said.

"Good point. Ritsuka, Soubi, are there other people like you with true names and magical abilities that might have a grudge against you? If so, how would one identify them?" Artemis said.

The two looked at each other, aghast. "There… there are so very many…" muttered Ritsuka weakly. "Breathless, Sleepless, both Zero pairs, and who knows who else…"

"They can be identified by some sort of mark on their bodies with their names. That may not always work, though. It may be best to look for people with ears and tails like Ritsuka had, though they could have gotten rid of theirs as well. We can probably tell you which ones they are if we happen to meet them, but…" Soubi started.

"- But with so many people in costumes, it might be hard to tell. Really, to think that our lives are some sort of pathetic soap opera here..." Ritsuka muttered bitterly.

"In warrior terms, I believe that means that you should pack much bigger guns, Butler." Artemis said.

* * *

"Girlie, you _really_ wanna do this? You gonna git yo' ass shanked in there?" The man asked.

"Does my money tell lies?" she asked, backed by her new friend, the girl who was cosplaying as Ritsuka, whose name turned out to be Caoimhe.

"No, mum, it don't. Well, damn. You got _my _prayers, child." He said, taking her money and admitting her.

It was a rather dark, grungy place to be anywhere near an anime convention, let alone right across the street. But most fun things seemed to be happening on the same day, and Juliet certainly couldn't resist a championship arm-wrestling competition. After all, she would even get to show off in front of Caoimhe. The men there were all so big with muscles (or just fat) that they sat in the booths, not the chairs, for fear of breaking them. Caoimhe shrunk back, but their formidable aura didn't seem to quite penetrate Juliet's wall of confidence.

"Umm… Juliet? Are you _really_ sure you can win? Can't we just go back?"

"NEVER!!!! There's no way that I'll ever lose to these _weaklings,_ Caoimhe!"

The men there reacted, as a smarter person would've figured out beforehand. "Yo, kid, you better not be talking about us over there!" one said.

"And if I am? You want a little preview of what the rest of you guys will get done to you if you go up against me in the competition?" Juliet said, rolling up her right sleeve. The man copied her. Sitting down in a booth that had been abandoned by the former occupants, they clamped their hands over each other's.

A second man acted as the referee. "One, two, three, BEGIN!!"

The crowd watched in awe as biceps flexed beyond what was considered normal for human potential. Caoimhe stared at her new (scary) friend as though she had never seen anything quite like her, and indeed hadn't.

"This git isn't winning, y'know," Juliet conversationally, as if the effort she was exerting at the time was nothing at all to her.

"You…. You're not… not even try-ing…" the other man grunted out, pushing against her hand as hard as he could but getting no leeway.

"Nope!" she sang. "You want me to?" The man paled considerably.

Juliet turned her body completely towards him and tensed her elbow with an evil smirk on her face. Almost instantaneously, the man's hand slammed backwards on the cold wood with an ominous-sounding snapping sound.

The man whimpered like a little girl, but it was drowned out by the incredible cheers that Juliet was now receiving form her enthralled crowds.

"Are you really competing today?"

"We've got no chance if you ARE, hon!"

"You doing anything t'night, sweetheart?"

"GOOO, JULIET!!!" Caoimhe was almost crying herself hoarse at her new friend's victory.

"Thanks, Caoimhe. Thanks, everybody-else-I-don't-know. But you know, I totally have an appointment way later tonight, so I'm not coming to the competition. So-rry!" she chanted. There were many sighs of relief mixed with moans of sadness in the crowd.

As they were walking out of the building, the man at the front tried to offer Juliet her money back, which she kindly refused.

"But Juliet, that was incredible!"

"Y'think?" Juliet said.

"I _do_!" Caoimhe paused for a moment with a thoughtful look on her face. "I just had a thought. Can you use stuff like boxing or martial arts, etc.?"

"Can I EVER!" Juliet was getting ready to fully glomp her new friend for these holy words issuing from her mouth.

Caoimhe grinned evilly. "Then have I got something _you'll_ like."

* * *

"So… So you're Holly-san." Ritsuka said.

"I am. And are you really some weirdo from another world?"

"No more a weirdo than _you _are."

"Holly, this is Aoyagi Ritsuka-kun and Agatsuma Soubi-san. Do you think we may need to explain the situation to her a bit?" Artemis said.

"Not much of problem, really," Holly hoisted the belt attached to whatever weapons she carried around these days on her hip. "I'm used to acting without information. All I need to know is where these people came from and what you used to get 'em here. Heck, with Foaly around, we probably don't need those, either."

"I imagine not, considering the spell I used was taken from a book that I stole from Foaly himself." Artemis said. Holly stared at him.

"While that _does_ make things easier, Foaly is gonna _kill_ you."

"Probably. Now, if the pleasantries are over, I believe we need to discuss flight plans?"

"Yeah, there's where we hit the kind of crap your karma sends our way. This particular chute had a cave-in about a year and two moths ago, while you and I were still AWOL with the demon crap."

"But how did you get here, then?" asked Butler, his eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.

"Simple," Holly said. "Foaly's got more than new subs. He's got a new instant-transporter thing that I'm sure you would appreciate, Artemis. The only problem with it is, it takes about four hours to prep the stupid thing. He won't let me use the better version he has up; he says it's 'still in the prototype stage' and he'll 'only let in the people he has a particular grudge against'. I'm thinking that's bad, so I just went with the slow one."

"That's interesting. How did he do it?" Ritsuka said. "Most transporters disassemble your atoms, don't they? Would that method still work with much larger people, like Butler-san or Soubi? And, can people go in more than one at a time-"

"Ritsuka." Warned Soubi. Ritsuka blushed and shut up.

"No, no, he has a point. Can more than one person be transported at once?" Artemis said.

"I think so. But I think Foaly said the max is two at a time." Holly looked Butler up and down. It was a long way to look. "I think Butler over here counts as two all by himself. So might Mr. Telephone Pole, even if he is thin as a twig and dressed like a geriatric hippie."

Soubi looked down at his waist through his glasses.

"So the point is, we won't be able to leave for a little less than four hours?"

"Six. The thing has to cool off first for two hours."

Everyone looked at each other with slightly worried looks on their faces.

* * *

"Butler?"

"Hmm?"

"Where did your sister, Juliet-san, go off to?"

"No idea." Butler said. He scanned the immeasurable crowds for any sign of his little sister. It wasn't that he didn't think that she couldn't take care of herself; that was not it at all. It was simply that she took care of herself _too_ well. Broken bones, punctured internal organs, beaten people, crowds screaming and either trying to run away from the carnage as fast as they could or trying to get pictures to go on the internet or news channels. Butler was getting too old to relive some of the stunts that Juliet had pulled before. And now, she was missing. Ominous.

The crowds were at least twice as thick as they had been before when they had all first arrived, so it was much harder to pick out one person. However, Soubi had better eyes than Butler, not to mention he was considerably taller than either of the younger charges.

"Is that her, there?"

"Where?!"

"Over there, waving like an idiot in a very… short…"

"Oh, Lord."

Juliet parted crowds like a professional, which, in some countries, she was, dragging her friend and all of _her_ friends behind.

"Hi, big brother!" she said rather loudly as soon as she got close. "AND RITSUKA-KUUUUUUN!!!!"

"Hello, Juliet-san." Ritsuka sighed.

"Hey, guys, my friend Caoimhe said that I absolutely _have _to do this one thing, so can we wait to send Ritsuka-kun home just a little bit? A few hours? Pleeeeeeeease?" Juliet was dressed in much stranger apparel than before. Somehow or another, she had gotten a hold of a rather long-ish jacket that went a few inches down her thighs. The odd part was, she wore no pants under it. Her legs were fully shown off and every male within a 25-foot radius was looking her way and either grinning appreciatively or blushing and quickly looking away. A few women participated as well. She was wearing her long hair down and had a small stuffed dog poking its nose out of her shirt. Butler looked about ready to explode with a brotherly, affectionate killing spree.

"Well….. alright, considering that our trip got postponed by about six hours anyway. So… what exactly _is_ this thing that's so great? And why are you dressed like that?" Ritsuka said, cutting Butler off before had a chance to say anything.

"I'm so happy you _asked_ me that, Ritsuka-kun!!! My friend Caoimhe over here convinced me to do it!" Juliet looked ready to burst with happiness while the Ritsuka-cosplayer blushed and grinned shyly.

"I'm going to participate in a cosplay competition!"

* * *

(A/N) Hey, guys! Chapter four is done and over with at somewhat of a cliffie! I'm rather happy with this chapter because it just all seemed to connect really easily, like at the beginning of the fic. The next chapter will be good, I promise you! Once again, much credit goes to my older sister kateavavalanche.

Just so you know, I didn't just make the name, 'Caoimhe' up. I looked it up. It comes from the Gaelic _caomh_ meaning 'beautiful'. I liked it a lot, so I used it.

Review or die!! I'll give you pudding and _not _a bullet to the head! (Don't worry, they're a non-lethal rubber kind of bullets!)


	5. God's sense of Humour

Hey guys! I haven't updated in FOREVAH because…… I didn't want to.

Deal with it. You all have my friend Arin to thank for the update, tho'. She's the one who hounded me incessantly to finished this god-fuh-freakin' fic. I may have had no ideas as to what to write for this segment/chapter/installment, but then I went to the local Nekocon and found some bitchin' ideas. It was my first con. Most of the things that happen in this chapter are things that actually happened at Nekocon. Seriously. No lie.

Disclaimer: If I owned either Artemis Fowl or Loveless………… then……….ummmm…. QUICK, LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

* * *

"Where…. Where are your _pants_?" asked Butler, jaw agape.

"In the dressing room with the rest of my stuff, where else would they be?"

"I don't know, on YOU?????"

"Jeebus, take the stick out."

"Yeah! If the little lady wants to go around with no pants, no complaints he-" the Dark cosplayer went down with a fist in the left side of his face.

"Well, I'm entering, whether you like it or not! And hell if I don't win!"

"You are NOT entering! What would mother say?" Butler argued.

"She would say that I was a lot cooler than you!" Juliet glared. Butler continued to fight back, despite the fact that Juliet was probably right about their Mum.

"Butler." Artemis said. Both Butlers stopped dead. "Think. It may not be in _your _best interest to let Juliet compete, but think. We have 5 hours left to kill before we have to leave, right, Holly?" Holly nodded at them all, looking decidedly bored. Since this _was _a convention, after all, she could go around without getting too many funny looks. The weirdest of the weird congregated here. She tried not to look at Juliet much, considering that her distinct lack of height gave her a fabulous view of what little was worn under the thin jacket Juliet was wearing. "I suggest that we let her do what she pleases. Besides, she'll regret it later if it wasn't worth it. It'll lighten the boredom."

"And besides, Juliet-san is the only person in history who could probably pull that look off," Ritsuka said. It was one of the first times he'd spoken in a long time. This drew all attention to him, including that of Caoimhe.

She frowned. "Are you a cosplayer, too? Who are you supposed to be? Because you look familiar…" she murmured. Everyone stiffened.

"Ah… No! I mean, yes! I'm cosplaying as… um, Ritsuka! From-"

"_Loveless_! Fabulous! I'm him, too! You forgot the ears, tho'!" Caoimhe smiled warmly. The incredible blush from Ritsuka did not go unnoticed. "And you must be Soubi-kun," she said, suddenly turning to Soubi. He nodded.

Deathglares were still being exchanged between the siblings.

"So what's your real name?" Caoimhe asked.

Ritsuka, despite being a good person with an active conscience, was also a very accomplished liar. "It's Moses."

"Like Moses, Prince of Egypt stuff?"

"Exactly," Ritsuka smiled. Artemis smiled, too. He knew exactly why Ritsuka had picked that particular name.

"Oh! Look! Dippin' Dots! I want some! Hey Juliet-chan, mind if I go grab some?" she asked, already jogging away.

"No," Juliet growled, still glaring at her brother. She realized what had been said and broke eye contact. "Wait! Get me some!!!!" Caoimhe was already long gone. "Damn it," she muttered. "I'll be right back. This isn't over." Juliet pointed her finger up at her brother in a threatening way and ran after her friend and the alluring prospect of ice cream that looked weird no matter how many times you had seen it before.

"Nice," Artemis commented. "'Ritsu' in Japanese is something like 'commandment', no? Commandment became the Ten Commandments of Judaism and the prophet who delivered them, Moses. Once more, nice."

"Thanks," Ritsuka grinned. "My whole name means something along the lines of 'summer (or spring)-something-or-other' but what kind of guy has a name like 'Summer', y'know?"

"That I do," Artemis sighed. "'Artemis' is the name of a Greek _goddess_. Don't think people haven't commented on that."

"Yay for girly names." Both boys sighed respectively.

* * *

My name is Caoimhe. I make the weirdest friends EVER. It just so happens that I meet them all in pretty weird places. You'd think that I'd learn by now, and stop going to such weird places. But weird places are interesting places. For example, if that person I had seen not two minutes ago wasn't the REAL Ritsuka, I'd eat my own cat. And I love Anubis TO DEATH. Figuratively speaking, of course. One does wonder how he lost the ears, tho'.

'Member how I said weird stuff happens? Yeah. Weird shit likes me, and seems to think it's damn funny to make me think stuff is normal (the forbidden word!), and then shoot me down, laughing all the while. Sound odd? There you go. Let me tell you a little story about my day today:

The Dippin' Dots stand in an anime convention, no matter what or where the con is, will be busy. This was particularly true this particular day, at this particular time. You see, the person employed for part-time management of the stand was also an anime fan, which was of course why they had signed up for this job in the first place. He had been delighted at the opportunity to go and had planned this for ages. His favourite character of all time had to be Itachi from _Naruto_, so of course that was whom he was cosplaying as. That was a given. He had black hair to start out with, so that helped. It was also hippie-length. Extra bonus points. All he needed was the cloak and the headband and the ring. Nail polish he had at home. That was good, as the stupid Dippin' Dots part-time paid absolute crap, anyway.

The poor Dippin' Dots part-timer was unaware of what yaoi was, and could really care less, being a boy and all. Boys usually find that sort of thing….. gross. Losers.

All except for the Sasuke cosplayer who had been eyeballing the Itachi for a good portion of the day. The Sasuke had guts, if nothing else. And besides, he was at _Yaoicon_. If you don't put on a show, you don't get noticed. (Actually, kind of true. Unless you're a REALLY good cosplayer. Then you get noticed a lot more.)

The Sasuke walked up to the Itachi and pushed him against a wall, kissing him as hard as he could.

Dead silence. Ever single Naruto cosplayer's head had turned toward the little stand in unison. Pulling out various fists, feet, kunai, and shuriken, half of them leaped at Itachi. The other half were busy trying to carry off the Sasuke cosplayer, most likely to publicly molest him. SasuNaru IS a pretty popular pairing. I'm a fan, myself. Which would be why I was cheering the brawls on. Hey, Itachi isn't _my _favourite character. Whatevs. I should have known better.

The fight broke out in such an explosive power, it was hard to believe that it was really happening. Okay, that was _after _the lone tray of fries sailed majestically over the room. Thank God that this particular room was specifically designated for eating and no merchandise was present. That would've been downright _blasphemous_ had any desecrated its holiness. I think the giant banana started it. I don't trust bananas much; I'm allergic. Well, not really. But I pretend I am. Anything artificially flavoured like banana sucks, y'know? He must've been getting revenge on that apple from the Fruit of the Loom commercials for stealing his woman, Papaya. You know it's true. Well, back to the storyline.

My friend Juliet popped out from the crowd armed with her fists and a large tray, which she used like a shield to ward off blows of fists and food alike. She was coming to protect me! Yay. I can't protect my own sorry bum worth crap.

"Caoimhe-chan! Did you see?" she asked excitedly.

"I did! Could this con get _any _better?"

"Nope!" she shouted. I still couldn't hear her very well. "Whaddya say I clear you a path, huh?"

"You can do that?"

"'Cause, y'know, I'm a-MA-zing like that," she said. She grabbed my hand and tried to lead me away.

"Where do you think YOU'RE going, pretty?" one of the guys hissed. His friends surrounded us. They all looked pretty hammered, wasted, shitfaced, etc.

Crap.

But I had forgotten, once again, and to my eternal shame, why I had suggested that Juliet dress up like Kuro-chan from _Black God_. And the reason for that, my friend, is because dearest Juliet can use her fists like nobody's business. I hadn't really seen her in action before, but I finally got a chance. All I can say is… wow. Holy mother of Muffins.

"Ah!" Juliet gasped.

"A-are you hurt?" I asked. I was seriously concerned. Overexertion wasn't something to be laughed at.

"No…. but we forgot to get the ice cream!" she wailed, miserable. I wonder how on earth I could've thought, even for an instant, that Juliet Butler might get herself hurt. If there had been a large wall or something hard and unforgiving, I would've beaten my head against it. My palm made do.

The crowd cleared for us, a good number of them bearing food stains (small ones, anime freaks have good reflexes, from video games, you see) like war badges. They looked frightened, as well they should've been. Suddenly, they started clapping. They were fiercely cheering my friend on. So was I.

The only bad thing about it all was that the cosplay contest being cancelled. There were too many contestants covered in pink Gatorade or something equally gross. But the giant trophy for the winner had to go somewhere, so it went straight to Juliet, by unanimous vote. I wasn't too surprised, somehow.

* * *

Artemis shook his head. Only Juliet could win something that she hadn't even gotten a chance to apply for. At least both Butlers were (relatively) happy. Caoimhe was beside herself. Her eyes were what worried him. Artemis would bet his stash of filched faerie technology that she had a good idea of exactly who Ritsuka and Soubi were.

Holly nudged Artemis. She was much stronger than she (or anyone else) realized, so he was certain that her pointy little elbow would leave a painful and multi-coloured mark.

"Did you see them?" she asked quietly.

"_Them_?" Artemis said, indicating Caoimhe and Ritsuka and the looks they occasionally accidentally shared.

"No, idjit. _Them_." Holly said.

Artemis looked for the people in the crowd that Holly's finger followed. One had mint-green hair that went almost down to his waist. He walked strangely close to another boy, one with curly reddish-brown hair that went slightly past his shoulders. _How on earth did I know they were boys? They're androgynous, if anything…_Artemis thought. But he knew what Holly had wanted him to see. Each had ears and tails that perfectly matched their hair colour. They didn't really look false, either. One also had an eyepatch over one eye (where else would one wear them); a combat veteran if Artemis had ever seen one.

"Ah," he muttered. "_Them_. Should I inform Butler?"

"They're magical. I just get that feeling from them. It's like electricity, or something. Lemme eavesdrop, and then we see what we're dealing with. _Then _we ask Butler old boy to pull of the HK MP 5." She received a questioning look from Artemis. "It's a nice gun, trust me. Reeeeeeeal shiny, too." He rolled his eyes, looking like a real teenager for all of half a second.

Holly slipped away to her eavesdropping, and Artemis let her.

His view of her was suddenly blocked my an overly-cheerful Demyx and Zexion from _Kingdom Hearts_ singing as they walked:

"_Happy Peanuts Soar_

_Over chocolate-covered mountaintops_

_And waterfaaalls_

_Of Caaaaaaaramelllll_

_Prancing nougat in the meadow_

_Sings a song of satisfaction tooooooo_

_The wooooooooooorld…"_

"The world?" Artemis muttered to himself, slightly disturbed by the obvious show of affection between these two men, who were equally obviously queer.

"That's right," Demyx winked and continued strumming his sitar. "You look like you ate something yucky. Try THIS!" The cosplayer produced a stick of gum from heaven-knows-where.

Artemis sniffed it for Anthrax before popping it in his mouth. It was minty.

"For a good clean feeling, no matter what." He shimmied his shoulders suggestively. Artemis was only slightly more scarred by this than he had been by shooting his own father (not seriously, of course, but still, traumatizing).

Ritsuka saw and correctly interpreted the look on Artemis's face.

"Homophobic?" he asked. It was something to worry about, considering that he and Soubi were probably gay.

"No. Only when strange people I don't know give me gum and quote commercials."

"Ah," Ritsuka said. It was an understandable plight. "Where did Holly-san go?"

Artemis had been feeling very off today, and he knew it. That didn't stop him from making a stupid mistake. He looked over to where Holly was. Had she still been there, he would've had to lie. Lying does a person little good when the person whom you are lying to sees that your eyes went straight to the subject of your lie. Had she still been there, of course. "Holly?" he gasped, slight fear clutching his ribs. He crushed that with professional ease. Holly knew what she was doing. Had nothing taught him that? With out realizing it, his hand moved to the inside of his wrist, where the word _Sparkless_ still shone slightly.

"Ritsuka-kun, I cannot help you there. I haven't the slightest idea where she's gone, but have a little faith. Captain Short is more than capable of handling herself amongst humans."

Looking at the shadows in Artemis's face, Ritsuka wondered, just for an instant, which of them Artemis was really trying to comfort. Such thoughts were interrupted as Soubi attempted to grope him again.

* * *

(A:N)

Erm, hey, guys! I know it's been…. Well, months since I last updated, but…. I've been busy, okay?!

Arin: Yeah, right. Like laying on your arse and doing but doodling for that deviantart account of yours is 'busy'.

Me: Oh, shut up.

Arin: Speaking of shutting up, when will you start working on Chapter 6? Now? That's a great idea! BACK TO THE WORD DOCUMENTS, MY TYPING MONKEY!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

Me: Someone kill me. And what does shutting up have to do with the next chapter?

Arin: We'll find out, now won't we?

Me:sweatdrop:

Arin: Don't worry. If you don't piss me off, I'll be merciful.

Me: Why does that sound inappropriate?

Arin: POST, DAMMIT!!!!!

Yeah. Anyway, please review!!!! For every time you read, enjoy, and don't review, a….. Brynna… dies…. Somewhere…..yeah. POPULISM.


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